Stream of Consciousness, or Stream of Piss?

Can’t sleep tonight. Head’s just in a weird place. Ceri and I went to see one of our friends perform in a burlesque show earlier (which was excellent, and very good fun by the way!), and Ceri had a few pear ciders whereas I was driving, so stuck to the ol’ fizzy pop. So Ceri’s crashed on the couch, and although I know we should go to bed, I know I’ll just end up not being able to sleep, so I’ll just type until I’m tired.

So, backing up slightly, as I say, my head’s in a weird place. I’ll try and explain. There’s a numbers of factors contributing to this, so fuck it – I’ll list them and see what happens. Maybe this will be helpful…

  • Motivation – Lately, I’m having an incredibly hard time getting motivated to do anything. I occasionally get a burst – the odd bit of creativity here or there, but then ‘poof’ it’s gone. Like, the other day, I came up with neat little murder mystery comedy comic idea about a South Wales Valleys private detective, called Archie Pegalo. Jotted down the basic outline, improved a first page, but the visuals just looked like utter shit, and the motivation just dried up. Another one to revisit perhaps… I should try and spend time improving the colouring skills…. or learning new skills… And it’s not just the creative side where things aren’t good. There’s a ton of work around the house I could attnd to. Work too leaves me similarly unmotivated. And I know I get paid to be there, and I really should try and excel at the job and all… but it’s menial call centre work. I just can’t throw myself into it.
  • Money – I try not to, but I worry more and more about this each day. And from working in finance and seeing other’s details, yeah I know, Ceri and I aren’t doing that badly – we could be in a lot more debt, and we’re not yet, but my word it still concerns me. The one thing we had worth selling we’ve already sold (the other car), and there’s nothing else we can realistically sell for any decent amount of cash. And we both need new specs, the car’s tax is up, there’s tuition fees… it never ends.
  • Direction – I simply don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life, apart from y’know… totally fucking wasting it. I don’t know what I want to do, or what I’d be good at. I often think I’d like to run my own business – but what?! I’m not passionate about anything. I’ve no useful hobbies or outside interests (you can’t make a living off Transformers). Thought about a bookstore, but is there any call for that anymore with the likes of the big chains and Amazon etc? And I can’t afford to go back to college or uni and learn new skills…. point one up there is also not helping me nail this down… and I’m scared of going freelance into anything, because I need the supposed security of the regular paycheque….I’ve had over a week off work sick, but have been feeling much better the last two / three days…. and I’ve done nothing with them, just pissed them away. Well, I did some ironing, that was fairly useful.
  • Ceri – Most of all I worry about the wife, I know she’s having a rough time coping with losing her mum and nan in recent years, and coping with her dad moving abroad last year. But apart from simply being here for her, it’s frustrating as hell that I can’t make things better. I don’t know what to do.

But then, who does know what to do? Ever? Really? Aren’t we all mired in mental quicksands of our own making? Perhaps I should simply stop whining like a snot-nosed crybaby, and try and do something new. It’s just, I’m afraid of the costs and risks, of upsetting the status quo. I’ve taken so many risks in the last ten years, and so few have actually worked… it’s scary.

Okay, I am a bit tired now, and this took me aaaaages. G’night.


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