Buying A Car Online

So my esteemed friend and colleague Aaron is looking to purchase a new automobile. Given that he is a right tech-savvy bugger, I thought he may try to look online for his new motor, and I thought it would be good-form to give him some useful buying tips.

  1. The Colour – remember that you are viewing the photos of the car on a monitor displaying RGB mode graphics. That deep red Ferrari you’re looking at may actually be leopard-print. Be wary.
  2. Arranging A Test Drive – the crucial thing to remember about the internet is that it not only encompasses London, but also parts of the surrounding counties, and some areas of South East Wales, and the Scottish Borders (also Northern Ireland on a clear day). As such, the seller of the car may not be too local, so be sure to arrange appropriate train/bus/airfare and travel insurance before embarking on a test drive. Make sure to check with your local government offices to arrange the Test Drive Visa document 14A in triplicate. Be wary.
  3. Previous Owners – the best and most efficient way to get info on previous owners of the car is obviously on Facebook. Don’t forget to stalk them religiously. Be wary.
  4. The Price – don’t forget to make sure the quoted price is all-inclusive – this should include at least 2 of the wheels, the engine, and maybe even a full English. If anyone charges you for a quote, back away.
  5. Paying Online – I find the most efficient method of paying online is to send a scan of your credit card (back and front) to the previous owner, along with a notarised copy of your pin number and security questions. You can get documents notarised at most banks, building society and branches of Ladbrokes. Also include your passport and birth certificate as proof of identity. Be wary of so-called ‘secure’ sites like ‘Jimmy Tunnel’s Backstreet Cash Endeavour Parlour’. Be wary.
  6. Taking Delivery – I find the best, hassle-free method of delivery for your newer used wheels is to have it parachute dropped onto your driveway via a legally recognised and fully chartered military drop-plane operating out of the Sudan. Make sure your new car is fully instructed on when to pull the ‘chutes rip-cord. Be wary.

And that’s it. These guidelines are not set in stone of course, and there are many other ways to achieve the same result. Search around online by all means, but at all times, be wary.


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